New Study Discovers Cause of Autism

Doctor banging his head realizing a mistake

According to a new study, children whose last names begin with D, K, or P and are born on Tuesday or Thursday are more likely to have autism.

Researchers at the NIH-funded Autism Cause Discovery Center studied 2,547 children born between 2008 and 2009 and found a 38 percent increase in autism in children whose last names begin with D, K, or P. The increase rose to 53 percent in children who are also born on Tuesday or Thursday.

“We have yet to fully understand these findings,” said James Forrester, M.S., Ph.D., and director of the center, “but we are excited. What we do know is that people whose surnames begin with D, K, or P frequently live between 108 and 113 degrees north latitude and 31 and 37 degrees west longitude. When we delved a little deeper, we discovered that if these same children were also born on Tuesday or Thursday, the incidence of autism was even higher. That’s when we knew we were onto something monumental. The statistics are indisputable, and everyone at the center agrees that it bears further investigation.”

Dr. Forrester goes on to say that although avoiding last names that begin with D, K, or P could be a challenge, doing everything possible to ensure that most babies are born on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday shouldn’t be as difficult. “It would be easy, for example, for OB-GYNs to schedule inductions on those days,” he says.

Colleague Susan Mahoney, Ph.D., D.Sc., agrees. “So many causes of autism have been proposed, from vinyl floors, household dust, and flame retardant in pajamas to the age of the father, a history of abuse in the mother, proximity to a freeway, and even vaccines. This new discovery can finally put an end to the long, costly search for answers and allow researchers to turn their time and effort—not to mention money—to the real cause and eventually stop autism in its tracks.”

Notice to the readers: This article contains satire. All names are fictitious. Research what is being injected into your child.

 

  • LeAnn Addleman

    Is it just me, or does this autism debate just get more and more ridiculous? They will do anything to protect their profits from vaccines!!

  • elnura

    This story is hilarious. But I would bet some pro-vaccine website or big pharma shrill will not read the disclaimer at the end of the article and put it on their website as the genuine article. Because that’s how they roll. LOL!

  • Argus

    Real satire has an edge of truth to it. This article is just bizzare.
    Oh well, at least it is a lot less offensive than that other form of satire they publish on this site – where the claim is made that adults who beat their children to death aren’t murderers.

  • Argus

    Who is making it ridiculous, here, LeAnn? And what does this have to do with “protecting” profits? Your comment is nonsense.

  • Argus

    Is it just me, or is LeAnn’s comment just ridiculous?
    What does this bizarre article have to do with “protecting” profits?

  • Francois Arseneau

    You had me going there for a minute. Worst thing is, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they actually did this study.

  • Ita Zuñiga Alfaro

    Genial!

  • InformedMommie

    Do do do do….we have officially entered the Twilight Zone! They must really think we are dumb. This ridiculous study serves two purposes: 1. To further circumvent the REAL cause of Autism and 2. So doctors can pull another scare tactic out other hats to expecting women… “You need an induction now, do you want your child to have Autism!?”

  • Lou

    There is no amount of satire that can adequately characterize what we are doing to our children.

    Of course any ridiculous “study” is possible. How many hundreds of them have we seen, yet not a single study on vacc vs unvacc. The CDC is having a hard time continuing the cover up of the CDC created disaster of autism.

  • InformedMommie

    LeeAnn I was thinking the same thing! I guess they figure if they have convinced people vaccines are 100% safe they probably figure they are gullible to enough to believe this so obvious hogwash.
    What bologna will they cook up next?

  • Argus

    You don’t appear to be very well Informed, Mommie.
    Seriously? You believe this is a real article about a real study?
    Did the declaration that it is satire just fly over your head?

  • Argus

    Gullible, InformedMommie? You must be the definition of gullible. You read an article about a fake study (that even tells you it is fake) then decide to run with it as if it was a real thing that “they” (who?) conducted.
    Amazing.

  • Argus

    You don’t have to wait to find someone that believes this is a real article. Check out LeAnn and InformedMommie’s comments and start laughing!

  • Jim Bob

    “other form of satire…”
    Well played sir. *slow clap*

  • Doreen Piazza-Randal

    this would be like saying that your astrological chart would come into play…come on let’s get real!

  • Heath Motley

    Why would this site even post this?

  • Iatrogenic

    Argus is on a rant again, it must be a quiet day for pushing vaccines.

  • ladyahwksun@gmail.com

    It is absolutely amazing that people can be so entrenched in cognitive dissonance (when people are happier stuck in ignorance so that they don’t have to actually use their brains and THINK or RESEARCH the facts!!! due to LAZINESS!!!). WAKE UP PEOPLE! They are ‘systematically’ exterminating you!! and most of all, as of late, your children. Think about it: they are INJECTING your precious babies with TOXINS!!! They are spraying you from the unmarked air[lanes with TOXINS. WAKE UP!!!

  • diversity

    The name and birthday has influence on the development of autism? which scientists discovered that? Well, better than saying that vaccines cause it …

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    Wow Argus. You sure are an angry man. Coming in here and targeting and attacking one person. What a bully. This story of satire in reality could very well be found true; given the mentality of the whole current vaccine situation. It would not be surprising at all to one day find a study like that put forth. You should know that they are extremely desperate to blame anything but vaccines.

    It wasn’t so long ago they put forth a study claiming that the number of antigens in the vaccines on the current CDC vaccine schedule, were not to many. You know entirely forgetting about the many toxic ingredients in vaccines. Well there has been some really good analysis put to that study done by a man by the name of Brian Hooker, and it was published with the AAP study. You should read it. The said study is entirely misguided and in major error, just like all of the 14 main stream epidemiological studies, Argus.

    I was wondering why you do not use your real name and identity? You see I have no problem using mine? You aren’t afraid that if people around you knew who you really are, that you would be thought less of, or even laughed at are you?

    Paul Offit-CHOP (screen shot of his statement)
    http://www.whale.to/vaccines/offit23.html

    New Junk Science Study – No link between ‘too many vaccines’ and autism risk
    http://www.vacfacts.info/new-junk-science-study—no-link-between-too-many-vaccines-and-autism-risk.html

    The CDC Claimed To Epidemiological Safety Studies – Verses – The Independent Physiological Vaccine Safety Science
    http://www.vacfacts.info/the-cdc-claimed-to-epidemiological-safety-studies-ndash-verses-ndash-the-independent-physiological-vaccine-safety-science.html

    Vaccine aluminum adjuvant causation of neuroglial activation and neuroinflammation in the brain of patients with autism.
    http://www.vacfacts.info/vaccine-aluminum-adjuvant-causation-of-neuroglial-activation-and-neuroinflammation-in-the-brain-of-patients-with-autism.html

    Vaccination toxicity: The Zeta phase of MASS and “blood sludging”
    http://www.vacfacts.info/vaccination-toxicity-the-zeta-phase-of-mass-and-ldquoblood-sludgingrdquo.html

    Vaccine Caused Ischemia/Hypoxia
    http://www.vacfacts.info/vaccine-caused-ischemiahypoxia.html

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    Argus, you are an extremely misguided man.

    Vaccination toxicity: The Zeta phase of MASS and “blood sludging”

    Dr Andrew Moulden MD, PhD © MASS BOOK Chapt.4-1:
    M.A.S.S. ZETA STRESS

    ALLEGED SHAKEN BABY SYNDROME

    The hemorrhagic transformation from vaccine induced micro vascular ischemia, has been responsible for many wrongful criminal convictions of alleged “child abuse: under the diagnosis of “shaken baby syndrome.

    ”Doctor’s rely on retinal hemorrhages and bleeding within the brain (intra-cerebral hemorrhage)specific hallmarks of “shaken baby syndrome.” Unfortunately, these “hallmarks” are also cardinal features of vaccine induced MASS and MAZE – MASS Anoxic Zone Encephalopathies,of which sudden infant death is a variant.

    Since MAZE is a process that deprives tissues of oxygen, this can precipitate seizures in the infant that can occur during sleep. Since the infants long bines are not yet calcified, the tonic-clonic phase of seizures can precipitate fractures and fracture lines along bones that generally imply child abuse. If the parent brings their child to an emergency department and x-rays are done, the physician may find multiple fractures, of different stages of healing that imply abuse when in fact the forensic features actually reflect adversity from vaccination and/or infectious disease.

    This is not to say that no one is guilty of child abuse. It simply points out that the features. Doctors, police, and courts rely upon to convict an individual of child abuse are not necessarily pathognomonnic (specific features of) a singular explanation for the infants clinical and pathological findings in exam. MASS and low Zeta can achieve the same effect as shaken baby.Criminal cases may not be criminal at all as the actus reus (physical act) and mens rea (mental intent) was never formed for MASS MAZE pathologies.

    http://www.vacfacts.info/vaccination-toxicity-the-zeta-phase-of-mass-and-ldquoblood-sludgingrdquo.html

    Shaken Baby Syndrome – The Vaccination Link
    http://www.nccn.net/~wwithin/shakenbaby.htm

    Shaken Baby Syndrome, Abusive Head Trauma, and Actual Innocence Getting It Right
    http://medicalmisdiagnosisresearch.wordpress.com/category/basic-overview-to-defending-sbs-cases/

    Shaken Baby Syndrome – The Vaccination Link
    http://www.nccn.net/~wwithin/shakenbaby.htm

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    Well played? Do you think vaccine injury and the denial of it, is something to clap about?

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    I started laughing when Paul Offit said that eating a tuna sandwich was the same thing as injecting Thimerosal; and as well that eating such as muffin with baking power was the same thing as injecting an aluminum vaccine adjuvant. Those are all things you believe as well Argus; which makes it even more laughable. The mad lack of actual vaccine safety and effectiveness science behind the vaccine program, is not a laughing matter however; it is downright criminal and preposterous.

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    You ran with the fake vaccines are safe and effective, based on junk science epidemiological studies story, and that’s even worse.

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    Protecting profits is what they do at the CDC and FDA, Argus. What you do, is make attempts at damage control. And a poor job of that as well, I might add.

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    He can’t help it as he has lost his mind in an angry and smoked up haze from the fires of denial.

  • elnura

    LeAnn and InformedMommie’s comments and start laughing!

    I think they were just being sarcastic.

  • sabelmouse

    methinks this is provax satire.

  • sabelmouse

    but if they exterminate us they lose their slave labour/profit making base.

  • megan

    do these people realize HOW STUPID they sound!!!!!!!!

  • Jim Bob

    Vaccine injury exists (majority of cases are bruising and swelling and sometimes fever). But it is NOT the cause of autism or shaken baby syndrome which this site reports as truth but is in fact not true. So, yes, I clap for satire.

  • Mark

    Very funny, great satire, lololol

  • Truthseeker

    If you know anything about doing experiments on people or animals, you know that a particular vaccine given on a particular day of the week, given to a person who’s name begins with a particular letter would ensure their tracking of the effects on this particular population being experimented on. Why is it so difficult to believe that the medical establishment would NOT want to track your children, when they are sick enough to inject your babies with poisons in the first place? Just keep in mind, the people at the top of these studies and the ones pushing them for money (doctors and pharmaceutical Co.) are psychopaths! They are keeping us sick to ensure they continue to receive $, and the less of us there are, the easier we are to control.

  • LeAnn Addleman

    Thank you Lowell. You are so right. And what has he/she had to say about this?

  • InformedMommie

    No Mr. Angus I KNOW this is not real. My point is the medical field and vaccine companies have already pulled the wool over many peoples eyes, and it won’t be long before this “satire” will really be “real” study they will cough up to further circumvent the real cause of Autism. After all they have you convinced too.

  • LeAnn Addleman

    You know that whatever study you post links for here to try to convince Argus or elnura are just going to entertain them and fuel more ire. They are here only to belittle those of us who don’t buy the corrupt studies done by the CDC and FDA. Keep up the exchanges and watch if they don’t start calling you names too. Just as they have me and InformedMommie. They are just here for entertainment, their own. They frequent sites like this so they can get their kicks trying to make people feel like the fools they are.

  • victorpavlovic

    They gone totally nuts, and they want to call this science? its more like some-kind of voodoo, that they are doing, and they’re excited about this? Its already beyond pathetic, I also bet it makes the evening news in every city, Why because its useless brainwash information!

  • Sheepleneedtogo

    People this article is not about a real study. It is satire…a joke that pokes fun at the ridiculousness of funding studies that do not look at the real culprit. My God.

  • wow

    can you read? if so do you know what satire means? haha

  • centre

    Hello – the way this is presented gives it a ridiculous effect. How could a persons name letter be a cause for autism; if the argument/finding was fully explained it may be reasonable but as is, it is way off and way out there with no hope of return :)

  • diversity

    No this is science.

  • diversity

    Where are the toxins?

  • Debiq1830

    This is satire. Satire is not real.

  • Roxanne

    Well put. Nothing like the vaccine holy cow to demonstrate how people
    can become so deeply indoctrinated and “entrenched in cognitive dissonance” that they can’t see that the very thing they worship is the very
    thing that is causing so much mass suffering to humanity.

  • Roxanne

    LeAnn, I think you didn’t mean to include Elnura who posts
    many excellent links and comments re. vaccine harm, cover up etc. Perhaps you were thinking of that trash mouth
    Notation.

  • LeAnn Addleman

    I don’t mean to offend anyone on here. I thought I encountered someone by that name on another comment thread. If elnura is here to post positive comments then I do apologize. Yes, notation is another name I’m familiar with.

  • disqus_k3oycamN0W

    Elnura writes interesting and thoughtful comments. You confused her with someone else. There are some trolls visiting. Everyone knows “notation”, agnus “the fake scientist”, Andrew Quackfield and diversity, They write their insults and nonsense during business hours (may be from cubicles next to each other’s), and they hit “like” on each others posts.

  • disqus_k3oycamN0W

    Another poster, Ed, suggested we stop inviting trolls by answering to their nonsense. Agnus and notation visit vaccine discussions only to post insults. I would suggest to ignore them or at least address your answer to yourself or another normal person around, not directly to the troll.

  • Barb

    Reminds me of an old joke about research scientists on P 190 “Good-Bye Germ Theory”, Ending a century of medical fraud and how to protect your family, by Dr. William P. Trebing, which I’ll paraphrase:

    Mr. Simon Swindel CEO of the “Legs Don’t Matter Company” had been trying to convince people for years that his expensive walking machines (which do all the work for you) are far better than legs. Someone told him he needed more research to sell his ideas so he hired scientists to discover what would happen to a fly if it had all it’s legs removed; he gave them a big check, a strong hand shake and a wink.

    So 12 researchers gathered round this poor little fly, one of them removed the first leg and yelled “JUMP!” which the fly did with little difficulty. They wrote down many notes, the next researcher took off another leg and yelled “JUMP!” which (although feebly) the fly managed to do, which surprisingly he even did with only one leg left. Then another researcher removed the last leg and yelled “JUMP!”

    The fly did nothing.

    “JUMP!”

    Nothing.

    “JUMP, DAMN IT!”

    Still nothing.

    The researchers gathered around the poor fly and yelled in unison “JUMP, JUMP, JUMP!” with the same result.

    They prepared an extensive report for the “Legs Don’t Matter Company” and excitedly presented their findings: “We discovered that the basis of existence for your LDM Company is quite valid since our research shows that legs really don’t matter. When you remove all of a fly’s legs he apparently goes stone deaf since he no longer hears our loud commands. As a remedy we researchers highly recommend that you expand your business into the sale of hearing aids with every walking machine”

    PS This is an excellent book full of verifiable facts and references that leaves no doubt to the fraud and junk science of vaccines

  • Argus

    This reminds me to NEVER, EVER, seek medical advice from a chiropractor.

  • Joe Citizen

    SATIRE FAIL: First off, vaccine advocates do not say you don’t need an immune system, of course vaccines can not work without it. IF you are trying to make an analogy between that and a legless fly — fail.
    I’ve seen people get brain damage from infectious brain disease. And, thanks to vaccines, this particular type of infectious disease is being made less common.
    On the average, kids who get the full schedule of recommended vaccines seem to have slightly lower rates of autism. Probably due to not getting infectious brain diseases (or just not getting very high fever – a flu shot can protect you from that sometimes) .
    I don’t say no kids got sick from vaccines, that does not seem to make sense to me, but on the average they protect you.
    I don’t know if kids really need all the vaccines they get at a young age. Maybe not.

  • Allan Thornton

    Possibly the worst satire I have ever read. Mostly because it is not satire – it is ridiculous. It is most likely to a) confuse and b) be seized upon as pseudo-science; which it is not (but it will suit the purpose of those who say it). BA-AD satirist.

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs

    Chiropractic – Correcting Physiological Function and Strengthening Immunity
    http://www.vacfacts.info/chiropractic—correcting-physiological-function-and-strengthening-immunity.html

    MEDICAL MONOPOLY

    Is it because the “Medical Monopoly” spends millions a year attacking, ridiculing, and trying to discredit these natural therapies? The answers are almost beyond belief, until Doctored takes us into the courtroom with five chiropractors who, having been labeled “an unscientific cult,’ fought back and won a landmark verdict.

    Their heroic story forms the backdrop of one of the most personally compelling documentaries ever. Because of their bravery, the medical industrial complex is no longer blocking access to safe natural alternatives, pill popping is giving way to smarter preventative care, and purveyors of sickness are being shoved aside, resulting in a healthier life for us all.

    http://www.doctoredthemovie.com/

    DOCTORED DVD, (same video as above)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dk6AATWgJKE

    Official Bought Trailer

    The hidden story about vaccines, autism, drugs and food… Americas health has been BOUGHT.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ToQuEG1gmQ

  • http://www.vacfacts.info/ Lowell Hubbs
  • Lucy Hill

    Very good, this sums up exactly the type of junk that Big Pharma come out with while ignoring the obvious

  • Lucy Hill

    Exactly, a few people have missed the point

  • DisdainForArgus

    Why won’t you play with me Argus? I’m waiting. Answer the question that I asked, or did it “fly over your head”. Nice picture too, looks like a doctor version of Max Headroom. Don’t be scared, I won’t bite. Oh and don’t forget to type slowly so I can understand.

  • IHateArgus

    This reminds me to NEVER, EVER seek any advice from this douche bag.

  • IHateArgus

    You don’t even have an edge of truth Arg-ass. Good one huh?

  • IHateArgus

    I’m just laughing at how scared you are to talk shit to me Argus. I’m rolling on the floor at how much of a chicken shit you are. Seriously, everyone ignore him. I gots this.

  • IHateArgus

    Where is your scientific evidence Argus? You know what I’m talking about. You can’t get away from me, I’m on to you. I know who you are…………………………….and what you did last summer

  • Tariq Forrest

    vaxtruth.org is the real site

  • IHateArg-ass

    Arg-ass is a puss-ass pharma troll. He won’t even comment on what I am saying. He’s a true chicken shit. IGNORE him until he answers my questions.

  • Argus

    DAMN RIGHT I’m angry. The government pays me thousands of dollars a year to go on websites and post what I’m told. You would do the same thing for the kind of cash I make. I mean, sometimes I have to take a big fat government pecker up my rectum (because I’m scientific) but the pluses out weigh the minuses (I know math too). I’m only a bully Lowell because my throat hurts from suckling that same pecker day in and day out all the way down to the vas Defrans (see, I’m scientific). I am Argussssssss goddammit and my government induced voice will be heard. I am the most credible person on here so everyone should listen to ME. I am proof of evolution too as I was once a little monkey-fish. Vaccines are a great way to become retarded, I mean a great way to protect your body from dangerous organismz (yes, with a Z, I’m also gangster). Question me and my friends will silence you. They are the silencers of silence (yes that makes sense, I’m scientific). And, to put a question, I mean exclamation mark at the end of this BRILLIANT post I would like to say that I really have a good heart and love kids too and just want whats (I don’t have to use an apostrophe, I’m scientific) best for them and their futures on this godforsaken planet. I wish we could all get along but I M-U-S-T D-O W-H-A-T I-‘m T-O-L-D T-O (robot voice). Oops, had a little twitch there. I wish we could all get along because I’m really a nice guy. I may be a pedofile at heart but I want to be somebody and the only way for me to achieve that dream is to work for Merck and cause strife among the masses. Again, if you made the kind of cash I made, you would be doing the same thing. And Lowell, to answer your question, my name is Daisy. I fucking hate my name as well as my father for naming me. People wouldn’t take me seriously if I used my real name. I always wanted to be named something tough like Diego. I used it once but then people thought I could speak Spanish, go figure. I rested on Argus due to the Arg meaning “to blame or accuse”, I then added it to the ending of the name of my favorite animal the hippopotamus. Cool name, huh. See cock face, I’m smart.

  • Argus

    How’s that for satire?

  • Argus

    With an edge of truth.

  • JimBob

    I am full of it Lowell Chubbs, I am full of a government penile and my goddamn ass hurts. My mom shook the shit out of me as a kid and made me retarded. You don’t know shit about shaken baby syndrome. I also developed autism from snuffing white out as a kid. That’s how you get autism jackass. Vaccines are a miracle of modern medicine. Vaccines are a miracle of modern medicine. Vaccines are a miracle of modern medicine. I know all about autism. As I said, vaccine injury exists but all you are going to get are a few bruises, swelling and sometimes a fever. When I get penetrated by government meat stick I develop some bruises, swelling and believe it or not, fever as well. But I man up, take some Tylenol (to support my niggas) and deal with it. And just in case you wanted to ask, my name Jim Bob isn’t just some hillbilly name I came up with. I drink a lot of Jim Beam and watch a lot of Sponge Bob. Figure it out fo’ yo’self.

  • Jim Bob

    I didn’t put a space between “Jim” and “Bob” for my screen name last time. Bet y’all thought I was slipping? Hell no, I did it right this time. I’m so smart……………………..

  • Argus

    Get a life IHateArgus, sometimes I look at my wang and start laughing. What you gots? I’m scientific. I have thoughts of science and I have intercourse with my science textbooks. Reason? What is that? Logic? I can’t hear what you are saying. You are a doo-doo head. Don’t make fun of me for being a chickenshit, it’s like having a disability. You wouldn’t make fun of a handicap guy would you?

  • Jamie Clemons

    OMG my friends kid is named Kayla and she has autism. I bet she was born on one of those days.

  • Joe

    The article says repeatedly that it is the last name that begins with D, K, or P. This is the kind of flippant, lax reading comprehension I would expect from the huddled masses of sheeple, not a truth-seeking, antivaxer like yourself.

  • http://www.hyipbox.com/ hyipbox.com

    Holy Moly Thats crazy. my name is Devon and I’m born on a Thursday. But I turned out fine, I murdered my neighbors pets and hide in the attic to avoid social contact all day long, but I’m fine.

  • Tracy

    Last name not first! This article is a crock of shit! What does a name or day they were born have anything to do with it.. Lol

  • J.D.

    wow. the things this site posts is amazing.

  • J.D.

    I like how half the vaccine friendly “doctors” on that site never went to medical school.

  • AutismDad

    Autism is funny now? I guess I forgot to laugh

  • AutismDad

    I second that.

  • AutismDad

    Nice language. Must have ****4brains

  • AutismDad

    Did she have that name BEFORE she was born?

  • AutismDad

    The days they were vaccinated come to mind. DOOMS DAY

  • AutismDad

    Thanks Miss Einstein

  • AutismDad

    We’ve had obese mothers, thin mothers, old fathers, cell phones, and more blamed, its the misinfo strategy.